Managing Our Own Meltdowns

“It seems unfair that people who want to go to bed have to put the people to bed who don’t want to go to bed.”

This internet-ism encapsulates so much of what is uniquely challenging about parenting, the way we’re teaching our children to manage their own wants, needs, and goals in ways that don’t always align with the way we’re trying to manage our own.

This conflict feels particularly pointed around self-regulation, or skill of balancing behavior, emotions, and thoughts in the pursuit of our goals. The ability to appropriately manage our emotions is learned beginning in childhood but continuing into our adulthood. It’s like a muscle that needs training.

Tiny humans have big feelings and few skills.

The common wisdom is that we as parents need to be a place of calm for our children so we can help them co-regulate, but if that’s the case, what happens when we are feeling dysregulated ourselves. And why is it that times when our kids are most struggling are often least able to self-regulate?

Dysregulation can look like impulsivity, outburst, inappropriate behavior or it can look like paralysis, avoidance, and freeze. In our children, this can be crying, meltdowns, or even just shutdown. For adults, we might notice overwhelm, emotional outbursts, numbness, or decision-making paralysis.

There’s lots of simple answers for why parenthood makes self-regulation newly challenging.

First, one reason for dysregulation is unmet needs. In children, we expect this, and we can recognize when a child melts down from too much sugar, too little sleep, or even frustration from being unheard. For new parents, the unmet needs could be lack of sleep, meaningful social connection, or self-care. If you need a nap and a shower, the body’s focus is on that before managing our emotions.

Secondly, we are newly confronted with how we were parented and how we were (or weren’t) helped to manage our own big feelings.

Similarly, in addition to the usual stress around adulting, there’s new things to process. We might be dealing with unrealistic expectations for ourselves as parents, new stresses around raising a child, and new worries for ourselves and our families.

Lastly, in the middle of our child’s tantrum, we’re likely under stress, experiencing sensory overload, worried about our child, feeling insecure in our own parenting, and trying to hold two sets of emotional responses. At the times when our kids might be most in need of help co-regulating, we’re likely also most dysregulated.

We aren’t superhuman. We aren’t going to be able to be immune from life’s stressors. Instead, self-regulation is like a thermostat. We notice our internal “temperature” and send the right tools to help us adjust back to a comfortable level.

Here’s some ways our team likes to support their self-regulation:

Name It: It’s easy to ignore our feelings when we’re focused on our family, but the most crucial step in managing our emotions is recognizing them. When we start to feel dysregulated, it’s time for a check in. What am I feeling right now and why? Are there any needs I can meet quickly—snack, water, rest, alone time?

Breath Work: Deep breathing can help shake us out of a fight/flight/freeze response and calm our nervous system so we can make space to feel our feelings. Some of us like to do square breathing, but others just do deep breaths with long slow exhales.

Sensory Calming: Offer your body a break from overwhelming stimulus. Deep pressure from a weighted blanket, a hot/cold shower, or a glass of ice water can offer a sensory reset to help us break out of dysregulation.

Exercise: We’re not the first to tout the benefits of a walk/run, a regular exercise class, or yoga for helping us get in touch with our bodies and enjoy some endorphins. One team member suggests adding some TV to your treadmill time to get the benefits of exercise with a little extra fun.

Organize Your Thoughts: Some people find that journaling or venting to a friend can help them to release their emotions in an appropriate way while also allowing us space to better understand them.

Humor: A good laugh is known to be a fantastic way to help our kids snap out of a tantrum, and it’s an equally effective way to help adults. A funny TV show, a good laugh, or just general silliness can help us break out of our own funk. One of our team members likes to combine humor and deep breathing by doing funny exhales when trying to calm down her and her kids. Everyone loves a fart sound.

Projects: While you shouldn’t add a chore to your to-do list, an activity you enjoy that requires your full focus can help us to break out of spiraling feelings. It can also provide a little dopamine hit of accomplishment when done. We’ve been known to cook, garden, and craft when we need time to recenter.

Mini Retreats: While most parents are short on time, there’s ways to schedule some self-care moments that are intentional enough to matter. Taking a scheduled tea/coffee break in a quiet space for just five minutes is one idea. Others find sitting in the sun for a short break and listening to nature to be restorative. Spending a few minutes doing guided meditation or listening to calming music can take it to the next level.

Mindful Walking: One strategy is to go on a walk where you stay completely present in the moment (rather than worrying about the future or dissecting the past). An effective way to do this is to cycle through our senses noticing something for each as we go on our way.

Set Reminders: Having Alexa or our phone pre-programmed with reminders can be a clever way to help with follow-through. It can be a reminder to take a step back for self-care or it can be a short mantra to help us to reframe a particularly challenging part of our day.

Intentional Tap-Out: We can’t always journal or go for a walk when our child is having a tough time—even when we might need to. Sometimes, the best we can do is tap out for a minute. If you have a partner, plan on how to swap out when you notice you’re losing your center. If you don’t have that option at the time, you can model good skills by telling your child you are going to take a few minutes to calm down (by stepping out of the room, by listening to music, by deep breathing, or any other strategy that works for you).