Mother’s Day Is Complicated — And That’s Okay
Motherhood is complicated—who better to affirm this than the people who have dedicated their professional lives to trying to understand it. Given the complexity, it’s unsurprising that a day dedicated to mothers would be a day that is uniquely complicated and often hard.
Like any holiday that comes with lots of expectations, build-up, and competing family needs, Mother’s Day set up for stress. Of course, there are many parents out there who love the holiday and have a schedule that works for them. However, there’s also a large contingent of people who struggle with how to best spend a day that brings up lots of complicated feelings.
Mother’s Day magnifies the complicated dynamics that can exist in our own marriages, blended families, extended families, and social circles. The day is intended to show moms how loved and valued they are, but it can also highlight the places in our lives where we’ve been let down or underappreciated. For people who don’t fit the cookie-cutter image of “mom,” the day can highlight their otherness instead of celebrating their worth.
Mother’s Day is hard for those who grieve whether they are grieving the loss of a parent, a co-parent, a pregnancy, or a child. There’s also the grief of not having children, an absent parent, a problematic parent, or a parenthood that differs from the life we imagined. All those feelings can be magnified this time of year.
Because so many clients find it challenging to navigate Mother’s Day, we’ve spent a lot of time brainstorming with people about how to manage the holiday. Just like there’s no one perfect way to parent, there’s no blueprint for how best to manage things. Even two parents with similar experiences might find they need different things on that day.
Remember the goal isn’t a perfect Mother’s Day or even a day free from discomfort, but rather a day that allows you to meet the needs of you and your family.
Consider the options below more like a menu than an instruction manual. Some choices are completely contradictory, and others can be used supplementally. Take what works for you and leave the rest.
Cut extra stress: Does breakfast in bed stress you out because your kitchen gets trashed? Is the idea of going out to brunch with toddlers your idea of a nightmare? You don’t have to do it. Opt out of traditions that don’t serve you and lean into a new celebration that you can enjoy.
Pick a new day: If Mother’s Day is stressful because of competing needs or expectations (blended families, in-laws, grandparents, two-mom households), adding a personal day to celebrate can be helpful. Some families choose to celebrate on Saturday as their immediate family’s special day or even the weekend after (bonus, no long lines for brunch and all the cards are half off). Thinking ahead, there’s no competition for that day when your kids grow up and want to celebrate on their own.
DIY day: If you are one of those people who find themselves consistently disappointed in how people honor you on this day, do the day your own way. Maybe your kids are too young to plan something or maybe the person who should plan it just never seems to get it right. Yes, planning your own day isn’t as relaxing, but don’t let what should be get in the way of what could be. State your wants clearly to those willing to help, but don’t let their shortcoming limit you. Do you want to spend the day at the spa; book it. You don’t want to cook; order some takeout. Flowers bring you joy; order them. You can choose to celebrate yourself in all the ways you deserve.
Honor your grief: If your Mother’s Day is full of loss, you have our permission to choose to skip pretending to enjoy it. Feel free to cry, rage, or mope. You can choose to spend the day at the cemetery, in prayer, doing acts of kindness, or volunteering in their honor. But you can also choose to eat cookies and hide under your blankets. There’s no one right way.
Bereaved Mother’s Day: Some people find it helpful to have space to grieve carved out in advance. Bereaved Mother’s Day falls on the first Sunday of May and is a day set aside to honor both grieving mothers and their losses. It’s a good time to light a candle in honor of your loss, to journal about your grief, to share any memories, and to honor your grief. For some parents, this feels like a good balance for the more upbeat celebrations they choose for the following week.
Little acts with big intention: As with many holidays, busyness and expectations can be the enemy of enjoyment. Instead of making big plans, consider doing small acts with lots of intentionality. For example, carve out a few minutes to massage a favorite lotion on our hands. Focus on making it slow and deliberate like we are painting our skin, joints, and fingertips with care. Or we could focus intention outward, choosing to do something small with or for someone as an expression of our hearts. Some moms like to spread out their days by setting aside intentional time with each child individually to really honor each individual connection.
Get back to nature: Seeing the flowers and trees come back to life after the long winter can help us to feel centered in our own lives and rejuvenated for the days ahead. You could plant a garden in honor of those you lost, or you go on a hike that allows you space to connect with nature. Clearing out a garden bed or planting new seeds can feel deeply symbolic and cathartic.
Redefine the day: The verb “to mother” encompasses protection, care, love, and guidance. If the person or people who mothered us don’t hold the official title, it doesn’t mean this day can’t be a day to remember, honor, and celebrate them too. We can choose to celebrate everyone who nurtured us (and everyone we nurture) any day, but especially this one.
Disconnect: Comparison is the thief of joy. Cut off all the social media. Delete all the holiday spam. If seeing constant messaging is triggering you, a social media fast can help immensely. And even for those who love the holiday, looking at how perfect everyone else’s day appears can bring up jealousy or insecurity. Remember that what we see on social media is both curated, edited, and manufactured. You don’t know what bribes went into getting all those kids smiling for the photo.
Skip It: There is no requirement that you acknowledge, celebrate, or keep Mother’s Day in any fashion that doesn’t serve you. Feel free to delete all the sale e-mails, skip brunch, and pretend the day doesn’t exist. If you choose to set this boundary, you might want to enlist a friend or partner to inform the people in your life of your expectations and help screen unwanted “opinions” on your choices. If you want to still acknowledge a few people, send a card/text/call on Friday, and then disconnect to have a peaceful weekend.
