Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Special Note: We’re talking about loss of sex drive in this newsletter. We want to say that this isn’t an issue for everyone, and if you’re not experiencing a decrease in desire, that can be normal, too! Congrats!

Sex is a funny thing in America. On the one hand, it’s everywhere. We’re happy to use sex appeal to sell products. We’ve got apps for finding it and subscriptions for watching. Sex appears often in media and music. We’ve got preachers talking about it on the pulpit and politicians arguing about it on the airwaves. But, at the personal level, sex talk is much less prominent.

Maybe it’s because we have such conflicting messages around sex or maybe it’s just because the topic is so intimate, but either way, talking about your sex life (or lack thereof) isn’t something most of us do with many people. We’re even less likely to air sexual challenges to a wide group. Shifts in sexual desire are frequently relegated to conversations behind closed doors or panicky google searches.

We can find it hard to discuss something so intimate when we’re feeling vulnerable, and when our partner, the person we usually confide in, isn’t experiencing the same thing, that sense of brokenness and isolation can be even more palpable.

For those reasons, therapists hear from people who feel alone in having no interest in sex and even feel shame for that. We’re here to say that there are many reasons and seasons for decreased sexual intimacy that are incredibly common especially for someone who is pregnant, postpartum, parenting, grieving, or dealing with a major life stressor.

Here are a few reasons why you (or a partner) might not be interested right now:

Hormones: For women, in particular, hormones are a b*tch. Physically, pregnant, postpartum, and perimenopausal women experience decreased estrogen which controls desire and lubrication—making sex both less wanted and less enjoyable. New moms have elevated oxytocin (the bonding hormone we get from physical closeness), and so they aren’t likely to need to seek out additional sexual sources. Men also experience a testosterone dip in the first six months of parenthood, so low drive is a possibility.

Physical Changes: When we don’t feel comfortable in our bodies, we don’t feel sexy. This comes up around changing pregnant and postpartum bodies, major weight loss/gain, dealing with physical illnesses, or even just aging. When we don’t feel at home in ourselves, it can be hard to feel safe enough to be vulnerable with a partner.

Touched Out: For parents, it’s not unusual to feel a little bit overwhelmed by all the physical closeness of raising tiny humans. You have another being pushing and pulling on you for all hours of the day (and often night), and it can sometimes feel like a relief to not be connecting. For nursing parents, their bodies can suddenly feel like baby care tools which are decidedly unsexy. Similarly, people dealing with illness might feel their body is a medical experiment or that it’s gone through enough and deserves rest.

Tired out: In the hierarchy of needs, sleep usually trumps sex. If someone spends all day trying to take care of the house, take care of the kids, pay the bills, and keep things afloat, then there’s less energy for the fun stuff.

Emotional Disconnect: In times of stress, it’s not unusual for us all to slip into survival mode, but this can sometimes mean we have less energy to focus on our emotional connections which in turn leads to a sexual disconnect.

Just because a decrease can be a normal experience, doesn’t mean it needs to last forever. While many couples might happily weather a decrease in sexual intimacy for a brief period, we know that sex is good for relationships in the long term. Many couples want and need to find ways back to each other.

Here’s a few ways to help that to happen:

Professional Support: There are many medical reasons for painful sex (especially but not exclusively postpartum). We highly recommend pelvic floor therapy for anyone experiencing painful sex which can, obviously, decrease sexual desire, but isn’t going to be solved by any of the other interventions we’re going to suggest. Similarly, people with trauma (sexual or emotional) might need additional support from a couple’s therapist, sex therapist, etc. There are many medications, tools, and techniques that medical support can offer.

Emotions First: For many people, physical intimacy stems from emotional safety and connection. If there’s a lack of physical intimacy, your emotional connection is a wonderful place to start. What makes you/your partner feel heard, loved, appreciated, cared for? Are you carving out time to just be with each other instead of just existing in the same place. Deeper emotional and sexual intimacy benefits both partners.

Cut the Pressure: Nothing is less sexy than obligation and shame. If you’re always thinking about how every interaction should end in penetrative sex, then you’re less likely to engage at all which only deepens the divide. Instead, try to focus on where you are experiencing connection and build on those moments. Some couples find that taking a sex pause for a short while lets them focus on other intimacy that helps rebuild their connection.

Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire: At a chemical level, wanting and enjoying are two different things. Often, we conflate desire with pleasure, but the experience of wanting isn’t necessarily enjoyable. Anyone who’s wanted sex they aren’t having or who has wanted to want sex can speak to how hard that type of desire can be. Sometimes desire can be like torture. In these instances, it is helpful to distinguish between spontaneous that pops up at the anticipation of pleasure versus responsive desire that arises from the response to pleasure. Stereotypically, women are more responsive in their desire. They are less likely to crave sex out of a single moment, and more likely to experience desire that emerges from smaller moments of pleasure like fantasy, sensual touching, etc. The good news is that focusing on pleasure supports responsive desire (and it’s that type of desire that’s associated with a good long term sex life). If you’re interested in learning more about the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire, check out the work of Emily Nagoski.

Focus on Pleasure: Women in particular have been socialized not to focus on their pleasure, and as a result we aren’t always attuned to what we like or need. We need to actively focus on where and how we experience pleasure in all domains as a precursor to more intimate pleasures. What is it like to eat ripe strawberries? What do cozy sweatpants feel like on your skin? What smells bring you a sense of relief? How do you feel after a nightly ritual of facial cleansing? How is it to share communal laughter? What happens to your mood when you finish a work task or put all your clothes away? Do you like the way the wind feels when you’re swinging beside your kiddo? These acts of paying attention to how your body feels pleasure warm you up to notice how you’re turned on in small ways. When we make pleasure the focus, we’re setting ourselves up for success long term. Great sex isn’t how often you orgasm, but rather how much you enjoy the sex you’re having.

Affection: This is one type of pleasure that society tends to offer more to women than men. Our norms have made it hard for men to seek hugs, cuddles, back rubs, and being held, but they want and need this just as much as women. If someone doesn’t know how to accept or seek this type of affection, sex and all physical love can feel intertwined. It might help to purposefully seek out opportunities for touching and affection where there’s no expectation of sex to follow. You might need to communicate that out loud if you’re noticing that every touch feels like an opening to your partner. Similarly, you may need to take more initiative with affection to help them get the connection they crave.

Don’t focus on the Big O: This may seem like surprising advice coming from us. Yes, we want women to experience more pleasure in sex, and historically, we haven’t cared enough about women’s enjoyment. However, orgasm is not the goal. Intimacy can be wholeheartedly enjoyed without that as the pinnacle. It’s healthy for couples to see how they can flirt, cuddle, have sex and quit before orgasming, massage, hold hands, eye gaze, play sports together, read erotic fiction passages aloud to each other, etc. without the priority or goal of orgasm. We need true enjoyment together rather than one person just half-heartedly engaging (yuck!). It can be richer, more meaningful, and more fun. Don't mistake us, orgasms are lovely and should be wholeheartedly enjoyed when they arrive. But don't miss the forest (pleasure) through the trees (don't make orgasm your only goal).

Manage the Workload: No one feels sexy while they are doing the dishes or cleaning the dog poo. To get in the mood, you need to have energy both mentally and physically. This means taking time to acknowledge the chores and mental work that you or your partner are doing and finding ways to help balance and contain it. This might mean shifting responsibilities, hiring out for some chores, and doing some containment. For many people, it takes time to shift from housecleaner/parent to sex god(ess). You might need to schedule an end to housework that allows time for you to make that transition in a way that feels good (a bubble bath, a sultry massage, or whatever helps you turn off your task-brain and shift into your embodied self).

Let’s Talk about Sex: It’s hard, but it’s essential to open the lines of communication more explicitly. Talk with your partner about the nitty gritty. What time of day do you feel the most interested in sex? What do you need to get in the mood? Do you feel ready for sex yet, and why not? If you can’t have sex right now, what types of things will help each of you still find pleasure in each other? Can we schedule time for connection? All these topics might not feel “natural,” but a good sex life is cultivated and supported. The Gottman Institute, a renowned resource for relationships, has a free app to help prompt questions about sex if you’re feeling stuck.

The most important thing we can say is just that this is incredibly common. People aren’t machines. While we can do much to support sexual desire, we also need to acknowledge when it is okay not to want it. It’s okay if you are in a season of life where sex isn’t your focus. However, it doesn’t mean that you should lose the emotional and pleasurable relationship you have with yourself (and/or a partner). If you focus on those two pieces, you’ll be in a good place when life opens again, and you find yourself ready to jump back in.