Toddlers + Teens: Wisdom For The Journey

Dear friends,

We talk about babies in this space a lot, and with good reason. This period of intense transformation first ignited our passion for supporting families. However, that doesn’t mean it’s the only phase that deeply challenges parents’ sense of self or equilibrium.

As a staff, we have children ranging from fresh newborns to burgeoning young adults, and we are here to tell you that each phase has its own joys and frustrations. While each parent will find their own favorite and least favorite ages, it is not shocking to learn that many find the toddler and teen years particularly tough. This pairing is only natural as these seasons are filled with exponential physical, social, and emotional growth. So, parents (or parents of someday to be) of tweens and teens—this one is for you, and if you are a toddler parent, you might just find things that resonate with your current situation as well.

We strongly advise against suggesting to your teenager that they are acting like a toddler (they are after all in the midst of trying to assert their adulthood), but there’s strong biological reasons for the similarities.   

At both these stages, our children are experiencing accelerated growth and development, and their behavior looks similar:  irregular sleep patterns that keep you guessing, endless hunger for their favorite snacks, and a short distance between content and enraged. While they add on inches and new cognitive capabilities, they are also hangry, cranky, and just plain uncomfortable during growth spurts. If your teen isn’t eating a balanced diet and appears to be sleeping more than is healthy, just remind yourself that you’ve seen this before when you agonized over the latest sleep schedule advice, and spent all your energy trying to get them to eat something other than Goldfish and the occasional berry. The same is true then as it is now:  have patience as their physical needs vary but provide healthy options and routines.

Teens and toddlers need boundaries and clear expectations however much they resist them. At both stages, they are exerting their newfound independence and need space to experiment, take risks, and lead. They are doing the hard work of learning to trust themselves and their instincts, and we need to make room for that while also leaving up the guardrails. Finding that delicate balance between room to fail and safe to try again, is some of the hardest work of parenting, and you can count on your teens and toddlers to push back hard against every attempt to rein them in.

They are in the process of differentiating themselves from their family structures and social behaviors. In the toddler years, they are finding out they are their own self with a force of will, wants, and needs. In their teenage years, they are learning their place in the wider world and are distancing themselves from their parents’ identities to find their own. Like a toddler asserting their independence by yelling, “I do it myself!” our teens are haranguing us to stay out of their rooms or to stop nagging them. They want to create space between us and them where they can test their growing sense of selves.

Suddenly, they hate our taste in everything, and find our mere hellos burdensome. It can seem like our very existence annoys them. We might feel rejected by these beautiful beings we love with our whole heart, but we need to remember that it is just the opposite. Only children who are secure in their parent’s love can push hard against the boundaries and be open with their frustrations. It may not be fun, but it is normal and healthy.

In these years of rapid brain development, our children can be hyper-focused on their areas of growth. In toddlers, this might look like listening to the same songs/stories on repeat while developing language, but teens are developing their social skills. Teens are increasingly focused on homing in on the way their social world functions and learning to understand its nuances. Suddenly, family time seems beneath them and a distant second to anything with their peers. This fixation can seem worrisome to parents who know not all our early relationships are healthy ones, but we can remember that just as they didn’t remain obsessed with “Wheels on the Bus” forever, so too their social skills and friend groups will evolve. They need us on the sidelines to offer support while they are still developing their skills.

Unfortunately, while their vocabulary has moved far beyond their toddler years, the teen years aren’t always a time when communication flows freely. When every question is answered with a grunt, we might find ourselves thinking wistfully of all the years they wanted to stay up past bedtime just to tell us about a bug they saw earlier. But if we look at things empirically, there are so many barriers to easy communication during this time. Teens are trying to exercise their independence and want to (at least initially) process problems on their own. They are pushing us away to create space for their fuller selves, but there is so much growth still in progress.

Parents can feel like they are living in a minefield when their children react with emotional outbursts that don’t seem to align with logic. In the toddler years this might look like an intractable attachment to a certain color cup, but in the teen years this can manifest in unexpected battles over things that your teen is using to express their place in the Universe—clothes, friends, music, even a messy bedroom. They have new big ideas about the world, but they will not perfect the ability to think abstractly or fully envision situations from other people’s perspectives for some years to come.

Effective communication is a marriage between logic and emotion, and with only one of those forces at full throttle, it’s easy for teenage communication to feel like a rollercoaster ride. Fortunately, it’s a ride that parenting toddlers has us well-prepared for. We can remember that logic will not soothe a dysregulated child (or adult for that matter). Instead, we focus first on connection and calm will follow. Once everyone is feeling like themselves again our brains have space to do the harder work of higher-order thinking.

So, if your toddlers or your teens have you ready to admit defeat, try to remember that it’s not you—it’s them. They are just growing into the next stage, but they don’t yet have all the tools. It’s all developmentally appropriate (and thoroughly frustrating). And remember, you are not alone if you find either stage is the one that’s pushing you to your own breaking point. Many of our clients seek us out during these years because when we’re feeling better, we can parent better.

And remember, hang on to your hats because like all phases, they will get through it. Do your best not to take your toddler or teen's outbursts personally; find your best poker face and use it vigorously. Security and trust is garnered with them as they see that we can handle their "big feelings" without being destroyed by them.

PS:  If you aren’t here yet, don’t let the hard stuff scare you off! The toddler and teen years can also be a wonderful time to discover new parts of your tiny human. You’ll get wonderful glimpses into who they are becoming and seeing things through their eyes can give you new hope for the universe. They’re magical as hell (and all the aforementioned stuff too).
 

Warmly,

Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Owner + Clinical Director

Christina Moran
Executive Director