What To Expect When You're No Longer Expecting
Dear friends,
We often say that each child should come with their own parenting book because no two experiences will be the same. The same is true of grieving the loss of a pregnancy or child—the journey will be unique. As we approach Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th, we at the Center have been remembering all the families whose grief journeys we have been privileged to witness.
When someone first loses a pregnancy or child, they are thrust onto a new path that no one expects to travel. Grieving can feel like wandering the woods without a map. There are parenting books, articles, and classes that prepare us for birth and child-rearing, but so little exists to help someone understand life after losing an infant or pregnancy. As for all parents, it can be helpful to see that we are not alone and to learn from those who have walked this road before us (or for friends and family to learn a bit of what we’re experiencing). In that spirit, we are sharing some of the common threads we’ve pulled from working alongside families through loss.
Like all grief except when it isn’t
Grief is an inescapable and natural part of the human experience. Anyone who loves will grieve. With all loss, it is normal to have many emotions that ebb, flow, co-exist and overwhelm at different times. Grief winds and meanders—sometimes close and sometimes far. There’s no linear path forward, and it is natural for it to look and feel different from hour to hour or day to day.
But losing a pregnancy or an infant is not the same as losing a loved one after a long and full life. When loss violates the normal order of life, parents grieve a future of possibility. Instead of a lifetime of memories to cherish, parents have hopes, dreams, and plans that didn’t get to grow. They mourn the future that never was and all the facets of their child that they didn’t get to know. Understandably, a loss so unexpected can be traumatic and leave parents grappling with fear and anxiety in addition to their losses.
Relationships fracturing and fusing
No two people will grieve the same and even partners can find themselves baffled by how they can share a loss but not the same experience of grief. Loss often brings into sharp relief the differences in culture, belief, and personality that have always been present.
Grieving parents often report that their loss has brought true friends to the forefront while others fall absent. Friends and family can worry about saying the wrong thing and bringing more heartache, but for loss parents silence is deafening. Differing expectations around how much, how long, or how vocally people should grieve can cause friction between spouses, extended families, and friends. Some loss parents will find themselves needing to set new boundaries about how their family unit will hold space for their own loss.
It can be difficult to show up socially after a loss (grief isn’t festive), but humans long for connection. Supportive people extend invites even when they’ve been turned down in the past. They talk about the elephant in the room and even welcome it. They keep showing up, and in the end forge bonds that are stronger than ever.
Shaking worldviews down to the foundations
After a loss, life is often divided into the before and the after. Before can feel like a time of blissful ignorance of many of life’s hardest parts. It can feel like a time where life still made sense and where there was expectation of good outcomes and a good life.
Life after can sometimes seem like a dangerous place where nothing is promised, and life is unpredictable. People sometimes find themselves revisiting what they believe about themselves, the universe, their faith, and morality as they confront the unfairness of what they’ve lost.
Managing an unpredictable world
When confronted with a senseless loss, our brains seek to understand in order to protect us in the future. In the absence of a clear reason, there’s an urge to make sense of the chaos by shouldering the blame -- but this only offers the illusion of control, and is a pricey wager psychologically. They might feel like their body failed them or find themselves pouring over all the choices they made trying to find the thing that might have caused it. They can absorb all that guilt and start to question their own worthiness to be parents. What did I do to deserve this? Why does this come so easily to other people? What’s wrong with me?
The road forward requires accepting the risk of continuing to live in an unpredictable world and knowing that there could be hurt again. This is no easy endeavor.
Mourning the life you had
Many people find themselves profoundly changed by loss. Time is often marked as before and after the loss because life feels so different now. It’s only natural for people to feel a pang for the person they were before grief entered their lives. Parents long for a time when they were in peaceful ignorance of what loss could look like. Sometimes they are grieving the way they might have parented absent these new challenges—less stressed, less sad, or less anxious. While grief can open up new wells of compassion, it’s okay to mourn a life that might have been and the changes that came with it.
Social Minefields
Navigating basic social situations can be newly challenging for bereaved parents. Immediately after a loss, parents can struggle with letting people know about the loss and how much to share. Telling too much can feel vulnerable and exposing like standing in a crowd with no clothes on while everyone pretends not to notice. But sometimes we need to share with people either for practical reasons or a personal desire for connection. How and what to share is a complicated equation.
The simple question, how many children do you have, can suddenly feel too vulnerable. How do you honor the loss without having to bare your heart to a stranger? Social gatherings, especially baby showers, can be excruciating reminders of the life that went before. A friend’s pregnancy announcement can bring a mix of joy, anxiety, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, and frustration all at the same moment. Carrying all these emotions can make venturing out of the house more exhausting than expected. We've found it can help to connect with other people who have been through a similar experience (which is why we offer some wonderful support groups on topics like life after a late loss, parenting after a loss, and termination for medical reasons).
Judging the experience
Loss parents are their own worst critics. Carrying grief throughout life means carrying competing needs and emotions. There’s despair and sadness over the loss, but there must also be hope for a future and moments of joy. The duality is difficult to carry. If I spend too much time sad, is my family suffering? If I am functioning and productive, am I not sad enough? If I decide to have more children, does it dishonor the loss? If I decide not to, does it mean I’m not trying hard enough?
The answer is no. Parents living with grief will find that they are always multitasking—grieving while living—and that there’s no right way to do either.
Growing outward
Finding the right words for life after loss feels impossible. There is no moving on or getting over because the loss will always be there. But what we know to be true is that more joy does come. When we lose someone we love, their absence rips a giant hole through our existence. Immediately afterwards, we look around and can see only the devastation ripping through our present and the future we planned. Everywhere we look are reminders of what was lost. Nothing is left untouched.
The hole will always be there. But life grows outwards. Soon, the absence is surrounded by an abundance of joy, love, connection, and hope. Yes, we will look out over the hole and feel its magnitude and mourn the loss, but we will also wander often in joy.
Warmly,
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Owner + Clinical Director
Christina Moran
Executive Director
