Mom Guilt Is Draining Your Energy!
Dear friends,
If you thought you might be alone in feeling guilty about, well, everything, you aren’t. It’s everywhere in modern parenting, and so it is a daily part of our work. When we’ve actually wronged someone, guilt can be a powerful motivator to make it right. Instead, families struggling with so-called “mom guilt” haven’t committed any major transgressions, and instead are sitting with their guilt with no way to make things right.
Guilt is a story we tell ourselves that we do bad things. In guilt stories, we cast ourselves as unwilling villains who harm ourselves, our partners, or our families with our choices. Left marinating in those feelings for long enough, guilt has a pernicious way of morphing into shame—from I do bad things to I am bad.
Of course, it is often a false narrative. It is also impossibly heavy to carry psychically.
It’s so common because it is tied to our impossible cultural expectations of parents (moms in particular). We are enamored with an ideal of a mother who selflessly caters to her partner and children while miraculously having no needs of her own. She is the ultimate homemaker, perfect romantic partner, unflappable child-rearer, Pinterest-perfect planner, and career-climber all without mussing her hair. We may consciously know it is an unfair standard, but we do internalize those expectations.
We aim for a superhuman paradox of who gives everything to everyone all the time and is happy about it. We tell ourselves that if we aren’t doing everything with a smile on our face, then we are doing it wrong. We write that story for ourselves because we are hearing it from our culture and sometimes from ourselves.
Sometimes, guilt is a way of holding on to some semblance of control. It feels safer to be responsible than to believe that no one is in control.
Our brains are hard-wired to try to make meaning, to create a sense of order from chaos to protect us from things that threaten, but they don’t know who to cast as the villain when faced with incomprehensible tragedies. They seek a way to manage the randomness of the universe by clutching tightly to the idea that we must have done something, anything wrong to experience such heartaches. Our minds wheel wildly in search of the culprit. Was it this? Is this why it happened to me? If only, if only…
The guilt is both sword and shield. Guilt protects us from chaos with an illusion of control. It brings an imagined order back to the universe, and yet it wounds us deeply.
Guilt sucks up our time, energy, and attention by filling our lives with negative thoughts that can contribute to anxiety or depression. When we see ourselves as the villain, we focus our energy on trying to control the universe with our actions which demands perfection. We burn ourselves overdoing, overworking, and over-parenting or maybe we try to numb those feelings with avoidance, social media, or substances. It is exhausting and steals joy from our lives.
To put down the guilt, we need to learn to flip the script to change our role from antagonist to protagonist. Sometimes in the middle of our own tale, we can’t see our own heroics. Below, we’ve broken down some common guilt stories and the ways you can rewrite them:
1. Not enjoying your kids 24/7: Parenting is often unglamorous, annoying, and—dare we even say it, both overstimulating and understimulating at times. You will not always relish your child’s treatise on Minecraft, appreciate the opportunity to do the 1000th load of laundry, stay engaged through an endless game of “cars,” or feel captivated by the ream of artwork gathering in backpacks. Instead of calling that a parenting fail, give yourself a pat on the back for taking some time for yourself to recharge. Applaud yourself for choosing some time away because you are modelling self-care for your child while you pursue your own interests and meet your own needs. Setting healthy boundaries also allows them time to grow in independence.
2. Feeding your family Children need to eat, but it isn’t always easy. Parents label themselves liable for feeding challenges. Guilt springs up from our desire to fix something not fully in our control (if only I figure out the right thing to do, I could solve this situation). We think we’ve done too much or too little. But the reality is that we don’t have total control over how our children’s bodies or what they ultimately choose to eat. When we put down that illusion, we can rewrite this story. We can be a parent who is doing their very best to nourish their child. We can see ourselves as doing the best we can for our child and reaching out for help when needed. We are nurturing our child as best we can.
3. Losing your cool: We all lose our temper from time to time. We will not always be patient parents or unflappable partners no matter how many books we read or techniques we learn. There is no home on the block where no one ever raises their voice. Instead of piling on the guilt for these imperfect moments, we can focus on the power of repair. Relationships may rupture but repairing those relationships can be guilt absolving. It is powerful to witness us admitting a mistake and apologizing, and forgiveness can change the story. Instead of being a parent who yells, we can be a parent who shows our children how to recover from mistakes and heal their relationships.
4. Grief Guilt: In the face of incomprehensible loss, we may try to restore some semblance of order to our universe by asking the question, “why did this happen?” Sometimes, we tell ourselves that we caused this tragedy or that we’ve done something to deserve our pain. We turn over every action and decision seeking meaning. We believe if we can figure out our mistakes, then we can avoid future heartache. But the truth is that sometimes bad things happen to good people. We deserve compassion for our loss and our grieving. It is not a story of how we got what we deserved but instead it is one of loss but also one of love that remains.
5. Fertility guilt: When there are challenges with growing a family, our brains try to make sense of the injustice and heartache. We believe hurtful stories about the life choices we’ve made or didn’t make because it gives us a way to answer why. We might even go a step farther and feel we must be undeserving of that love or happiness. Parenthood is not a merit-based award, and we need to reframe our stories to acknowledge that. To offer ourselves compassion, we must let go of the illusion that we can fully control our own fertility. We can find a powerful antidote to shame by connecting with others and sharing our stories. The truth is that fertility challenges are a part of the journey and not an ending we deserve.
6. Not doing it all: We’re guilty of not working enough or not being home enough (or both). We feel guilty for any roles we didn’t take on—class parent, team coach, employee of the month, gourmet chef, housekeeper, chauffeur, tutor, etc. And to top it all off, we guilt ourselves for not enjoying all of it “enough”. We try to defeat the guilt by doing more. We overdo, overwork, over-schedule ourselves until we burn out. Instead, let’s acknowledge that it is impossible to do everything. When we let go of that impossible expectation, we have compassion for ourselves and applaud ourselves for choosing to honor our priorities as a family. There are no perfect parents and no guarantees. When we fall short (because everyone does sometimes), we can forgive ourselves.
7. Your kids are not having fun. We feel the pressure to make our children’s childhoods “magical.” Our social media is inundated with families just basking in each other’s company. So, why is our family having a meltdown in the middle of a pumpkin patch, whining that their feet hurt on the nature hike, or groaning about being seen at the movies with their parents? Is there something we’re doing that’s making our kids hate us? In response, we double down on keeping our kids happy and entertained. But power-parenting isn’t fun for us or our kids. Kids need to be bored, frustrated, and even angry. Moments of discomfort and challenge are how they learn resiliency. We aren’t their cruise directors who need to ensure smooth sailing, we are the coast guard who they can call when things get rough. We’re their place to navigate tough feelings safely. So when they are pushing all of our buttons and raging against our boundaries, we can applaud ourselves for having met that need perfectly!
8. Kids behavior: Maybe we’re carrying a child out of Target mid-meltdown, maybe we hear our child say something rude and wish we could dissolve through the floor, or maybe we witness them being less than kind to a friend. Parents can feel guilty about their child's misbehavior. But we must acknowledge that we cannot always control other people even when we might wish to. We can hold our own boundaries (if you throw down in Target, I’ll carry you right out), but we let go of the guilt that is tied to the illusion that we can control their choices. When we rewrite this story, we shift our role. We don’t own our children’s choices, and we place ourselves back in the role of parent who will set boundaries to help them learn.
9. Not meeting expectations: We all have people in our lives that we hate to see upset—our children, partners, parents, in-laws, and many more. When we are faced with situations where our needs and choices cause conflict, we find ourselves feeling guilty for not meeting their expectations. But, we cannot control other people’s emotions, and our guilt springs up from the impossible wish to control both our boundaries and other people’s responses to them. Instead of seeing ourselves as the custodian of other people’s response, we can look at ourselves as setting boundaries for our families.
In the best stories, the hero(ine) isn’t perfect, and neither are we. We only need our heroes to be doing their best. We extend our heroes compassion when they fall short, and we cheer for their successes. We must also learn to forgive ourselves for not meeting an impossible ideal or for not being omnipotent about how the world would unfold. We are here to help you to offer yourself compassion and kindness.
We can work together to unravel the false story, reach out if you could use a guide.
Warmly,
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Owner + Clinical Director
Christina Moran
Executive Director
