July Thoughts: Can We Take This Any Longer?
Dear friends,
Have you ever in your whole lives felt less certain about how to navigate the world? Our natural instincts are to seek out our loved ones in times of crisis, and that’s the one thing we’re not supposed to do (like we usually do). We need our social support more than ever, and yet have been separated from many of our friends and family members for months. Something as simple as a trip to the store can lead to all kinds of second-guessing--is this essential? Am I making the right choices?
It’s definitely a crisis, to be sure -- and you can add “crisis of confidence” to the list of stressors that we are all grappling with during this pandemic. Families literally do not know how they’ll get through the day, never mind the rest of summer and into the fall. We work so hard to balance it all, to figure out our plans, and now the plans seem to be scrapped into a crumbled pile on the floor. Our tolerance for ambiguity is strained to the limits as we struggle with this new way of life every day.
Tolerance for ambiguity can generally be a hard thing for humans, especially those who prefer to have a clear plan. I love this quote from the novel The Goldfinch, about challenging yourself to befriend and embrace the unknown in our lives: “…I’ve come to realize that the only truths that matter to me are the ones I don’t, and can’t, understand. What’s mysterious, ambiguous, inexplicable. What doesn’t fit into a story, what doesn’t have a story. Glint of brightness on a barely-there chain. Patch of sunlight on a yellow wall. The loneliness that separates every living creature from every other living creature. Sorrow inseparable from joy.” ―Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch
As I keep going about my work as a psychotherapist, I am more and more aware, and awake to the confusion and ambiguity that we are all living with right now. It’s part of every session. It’s on all of our minds, most of the time. It inspires me to lean into the wisdom of those before us. We don't know what to do. Feelings of suffering and uncertainty aren't new, and remembering those who saw other trying times and terrors--and made it through--can bring comfort to us right now. There have always been times like these. We may not have seen it in our lifetime, but we will get through this.
The secret to managing fear is to tolerate uncertainty rather than to avoid it. Learning how to live with and acknowledge uncertainty is key to lowering chronic worry and fear. On the surface, it may seem like it makes more sense to try to get away from things that feel frightening; this approach does work for other things that make us physically uncomfortable in our lives such as heat, cold, pain, hunger. But, when we apply the same strategy to our emotions, it generally backfires. This is the paradoxical nature of distress intolerance.
The more we fear, struggle with, and try to avoid our distress, generally the worse the distress becomes. It is a riddle, but put another way, the things that frighten us actually become magnified when we try to avoid them. “If you fall off the horse, get right back on”, is an old saying that still makes a lot of sense as it relates to fear. And wear your mask.
We're here for you if you need us. Offering the same high-quality mental health care that you know you can expect. Let's get through this together.
Motherhood Village Peer-group support is now on ZOOM Tuesdays at 8:00pm, and Sundays at 8:00pm. Email ashley@maternalwellness.org to sign up and receive the secure link.
Are you longing for place? Community? Connection? In this time of social isolation and unrest, it is especially important that we continue to find ways to connect with others. The Maternal Wellness Center's support groups are a great way to virtually socialize in a positive way, around the topics that matter to you . Please contact us at www. maternalwellness.org if you are interested in any of these offerings.
Warmly,
Kellie Wicklund, LPC, PMH-C
Owner + Clinical Director, Maternal Wellness Center LLC
